spring!

we have been enjoying very fine weather, as margaret dashwood would say. ah, spring! how delicious the sunshine, the feel of grass under bare feet, the industrious neighbourhood. i have been scheming an amazing garden inspired by tasha tudor and a sweet book about her, tasha tudor's garden. 

however, i've been suffering from the pressure of a vision not yet realized. seems every year i feel so excited about what my garden could be. to actually get out there with boots and shovels, i battle and resist. it's uncomfortable. maybe i would be happier knitting and sewing and reading in the sun.

one day, passionate and excited, i drew this wonderful map...

it's messy and chaotic and abundant and promising. 

and this is how the space looks today...

sigh. i feel heavy with the idea that i have a long way to go.

to be fair, i have pruned the fruit trees with david and raked a big pile of manure from the local horse paddock. next week we're bringing home thirteen fruit trees and several berry bushes. 

i felt really excited to host some pigs to plow up the place but no pigs are available for borrow (no, i do not want to eat pork for the next twelve months). should i rototill? ask farmer wayne to plow with a machine? dig grass off by hand? do nothing? and then there is the uncomfortable, and familiar, pressure at the bottom of my chest: my heart is not fully in all this effort. 

i took this conundrum into my sleep last night and dreamt of a woman with long, luscious black hair who had two bumper stickers on her pickup: lola, getting better and on the deck. lola means "laughing out loud a lot" in kate dream speech. and our deck is a place of rest and respite for me. i woke knowing this was about the garden. something about trusting joy. about "just do what you love, it usually works out" -- my friend's famous words a few weeks ago. 

i do love being in the sun, watching things i planted grow. i love huge petunia bushes and fresh herbs and big green salads. i love other people's incredible, thick gardens. so...i keep inquiring. i stay curious. 

k.