hi
good afternoon friends,
it's official. our three-year old camera is broken. samwell has fix-it schemes but the camera store says toss it out and get another. makes me angry and sad. i've had my film camera since i was 12. and "toss it out" is code for "ship to a small town in china where people are sick from dismantling and piling cheaply made toxic waste." sigh. the saddest part is, i really want a camera. because i love being here, writing you. and photos breathe life into this robot.
today, no pictures. today, in bed with a cold. today, drinking mugs of steamy chai loaded with elderberry, echinacea and oregon grape root. today, fresh hot applesauce and soup. a fire to keep away the damp chill that started this sniffle. wool from head to toe. rain and pause, rain and pause. ursula fantasy, slow, soft, earthy. i love her. had dreams of finally getting back out into the garden (where have i been? well, now there's play to do) but stay inside, warm and dry. it will make the following days with little ones smoother, i am sure. me: rested, settled, clear. always best.
thinking lots about living with what is. really. and that includes grief. it includes longing. it includes chores and mending and clogged pipes, poor food cravings and loneliness. it includes feeling too full to have a spinning lesson. it includes being sick. broken cameras and limited bank accounts. this is it. this, that you're living, is it, too.
it's official. our three-year old camera is broken. samwell has fix-it schemes but the camera store says toss it out and get another. makes me angry and sad. i've had my film camera since i was 12. and "toss it out" is code for "ship to a small town in china where people are sick from dismantling and piling cheaply made toxic waste." sigh. the saddest part is, i really want a camera. because i love being here, writing you. and photos breathe life into this robot.
today, no pictures. today, in bed with a cold. today, drinking mugs of steamy chai loaded with elderberry, echinacea and oregon grape root. today, fresh hot applesauce and soup. a fire to keep away the damp chill that started this sniffle. wool from head to toe. rain and pause, rain and pause. ursula fantasy, slow, soft, earthy. i love her. had dreams of finally getting back out into the garden (where have i been? well, now there's play to do) but stay inside, warm and dry. it will make the following days with little ones smoother, i am sure. me: rested, settled, clear. always best.
thinking lots about living with what is. really. and that includes grief. it includes longing. it includes chores and mending and clogged pipes, poor food cravings and loneliness. it includes feeling too full to have a spinning lesson. it includes being sick. broken cameras and limited bank accounts. this is it. this, that you're living, is it, too.
k.
Thank you for that! Loneliness. Limited bank accounts. This life that we have IS what we have, plus our dreams too. I find it difficult sometimes to bridge the two, to be content in the places where they don't meet. The gap. The bridge we have to build or that we have to reconcile with not building. I am so moved by your rootedness Kate, in your home that you have so lovingly built for yourself. I have never settled myself like that anywhere. It is a different kind of loneliness to feel unrooted from home, from place. I am both jealous and mystified, while knowing it is only a thought... and I could choose to think it... could choose to be rooted too.
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